Ballz Magazine
The online magazine for REAL men

3 Tips and Anti-Tips for the Ultimate Sex Experience

Golden tips and hints here boys! Come on in and learn the wisdom from top guns in the business. We’ve compiled some of the best advice to show off your skills in bed. She will drool all over you, once you start practicing these 3 Golden Tips!

Of course, we’ll be adding a good dose of humor in everything, using epic fails coming from The Top 3 Dumbasses of the World. And we’ll vote for the best one at the end.

Our number one contester comes from Liverpool, UK. He’s a 43-year- old husband and father of 4 girls. (this guy is definitely popping pills for 2 days each month if you catch my drift).

#1 – Why waste all that money on one, when you can…

Get ten times more products for the same price.

Just open your email spam box and you’ll find like a gazillion “suitable” quick and lasting boner offers.

And that one, from the country Richard has never even heard of, sounds super effective. It says (“on the label”) that you can last for hours and it’s made of some wild plant. Daaamn, shit’s all natural. Fuck you pharmaceutical companies! We’ve found ourselves a treat from nature itself! Boy, will Barbara be happy when I drill her good this time.

So that same evening, when Richard finally received his “rockhard-for-hours” package, he couldn’t wait for the kids to go to their rooms so he could pop one of them magic pills.

He got used to drugs anyway. Having 5 PMSs per month, all at once, makes you pragmatic after all.

Richard felt it in his stomach. Something was definitely going on in there. But not quite what Barbara and he expected.

It turned out that Richard spent the entire night – having an enema.

To make things even worse, he couldn’t get it up for weeks after his first “shot.” That “wild plant” was God only knows what.

THE CONCLUSION:

Viagra is great stuff but be sure to buy Viagra and not “Boner”, “Hardstuff”, or any other email marketing trademarks.

However, consider how Viagra works. It’s rather simple. It raises the blood pressure, that’s all. So stay away from garlic for a while and don’t jerk off for a while also, and you’ll be just fine.

 

While Richard demonstrated the brain abilities of a complete idiot, our next guy reigns supreme. Meet Goran, the dude from Sweden. This 34-year- old construction worker came to a very neat idea of how to spice things up with his lady. Watch this.

#2 – You’ll be Red Riding Hood and I’ll be the big bad wolf

– So we are indeed going into the forest? – asked Adriana, Goran’s lovely wife.

– Yeah, baby! We’re gonna have some original fun. – Goran answered with added confidence.

We’ll have so much fun, he was thinking for himself while driving to the woods, some 25 miles from their town. The gear was ready and the game could begin. Adriana was supposed to “stumble” upon the “big bad wolf” somewhere along the way.

To make the long story short, let’s just say that the city dude should never try something like this in case he wants to avoid search and rescue operation that lasted for 48 hours. When they found him, his was severely dehydrated and hypothermic. Luckily, lovely Adriana managed to find her way back to their van and call the cops.

THE CONCLUSION:

There is much fun in role-playing but let’s not get over our heads.

We boys tend to overplay stuff and that can end up badly. Stick with the nun or French school girl and you cannot miss. Definitely an advised way of spicing things up!

 

Goran demonstrated the will of a warrior but the skill of a dumbass. Get ready for our current World Champion.

Make some sound for Greg, a 38-year-old father of 3 boys and husband of a, well, bit larger woman, Cynthia. He is known as the guy who never gives up and this may easily be the fail of the century as far as we’re concerned. Listen to this.

#3 – I want you to sit on my face so I can lick it good

And she did it.

And he started to work her out with his tongue.

And they were having a blast.

At least for the first few minutes.

Who would’ve thought that a body can be hit with the spasm of this size, strength, and intensity?!

During her dance on his face, Cynthia felt how her left leg is starting to twitch a bit but she disregarded this obvious sign of soon-to-come total disaster. She just didn’t want to kill the fun and pleasure and who could blame her for that, right?

Well…maybe Greg.

Suddenly, her thighs blocked from the unbearably painful spasm that spread on her entire body.

She was squeezing her unbelievably fat thighs around Greg’s head like Anaconda does with its body when choking the life out of poor capybara.

Greg started pounding her thighs, in panic from suffocation. But poor Cynthia couldn’t move anywhere. The spasm just overwhelmed her 250 pounds body and it was like some invisible force is pushing her down (maybe gravity, who knows, right?), while not allowing any kind of moves.

The woman was screaming from pain, totally disregarding the fact that her beloved Greg is breathing the last seconds of his life.

Luckily, Greg somehow managed to push her sideways and got his head out of her groins at the last moment. He had to force his way out even when she slammed on the bed sideways; that’s how strong that spasm was.

THE CONCLUSION:

Don’t overestimate the power of the muscles.

People find themselves with no shoes on after the car accidents. And they were wearing army boots. Add an XXL size of a woman, and it’s easy to see how this combination can be deadly.

Nevertheless, if applicable, make the habit of her sitting on your face. Nothing beats that feeling and some quality blow job is guaranteed.

 

Now, let’s hear you. What do you think who aced? Richard, Goran or Greg? Or do you have new contestants? Maybe yourself? Let’s hear it and learn something while pissing ourselves from laughter.