A Quick Hands On Guide for the Non Owner
Congratulations. Having chosen to use The Vagina shows that you have discerning taste and a traditional outlook. Throughout history the vast majority of men has used Vaginas remarkably similar to the one you will be using. It is one household appliance with a classic design and never goes out of style.
WARNING: Keep in mind at all times that this Vagina does not belong to you. You are only using it. So show the owner some respect. If necessary, even talk to the owner before use. Remember – take only pleasure. Leave only tongue prints. Who knows, maybe the owner will let you use it again sometime.
A WORD TO THE WISE: If the owner denies you the use of a specific Vagina, don’t despair. You need not make an issue of it. That way only leads to inconvenience, harsh words and lengthy prison time. Just walk away – pouting. After all, there are many other fishy things in the sea.
Besides, using a traditional household appliance like a Vagina is not strictly necessary. Many Do-It-Yourselfer men have lived without using a Vagina for years and often decades preferring to take any resultant problems in hand. This is admirable self reliance. Many men of character, in fact, have decided that, like eating crab, the dubious pleasures of using a Vagina is not worth the trouble involved. As with many things in life, it is a decision that only you can arrive at.
What’s in the box
- Curb feelers
- Hood Ornament
- Bumper cushions
- Turbo ignition button (What’s under the hood)
- Slippery Bit
- The Drapes
- Waste water chute
- Expandble Jaws
- Self Cleaning oven
- Pressure Release Valve
- Overflow Catchment
- Ball bouncing board
- Wood chipper.
- Packing material
This is a dense clump of hair like material which can alert the Vagina Owner if anyone comes too near. Sometimes, for style reasons, the Curb Feelers are shaved down to nubs. This not only indicates a very stylish Vagina owner but also one who does not give a rat’s ass if anyone comes near or not. Which could be a good thing.
Hood and Hood Ornament
The Hood and Hood Ornament serve to keep dust and dirt out of the precision workings of the Turbo. The Hood is retractable. Use the Hood ornament as a handy gripping point in an otherwise slippery environment.
As a result of its strange positioning, strenuous use of a Vagina can result in deep pain and even severe bruising for you. Fortunately the typical Vagina design comes with thick, impact resistant Bumper Cushions on each side which, conveniently, are already installed.
Turbo Ignition Button. (What’s under the hood)
Although this comes standard in virtually all Vaginas, it is actually an option. You can choose to use it or not. Full Vagina use is possible without ever touching it. However, if you want to really unleash the beast, pressing this button in various ways – even with your tongue – can result in quite surprising increases in performance.
There are a number of Slippery Bits in and around a typical Vagina which tend to get more and more slippery during use. These bits do not enhance the usage but it is wise to be careful when maneuvering around them. Hand holds and footholds will be dangerous, indeed. And always remember to wear your your rubbers.
Like many traditional structures in our civilized society, the Vagina has drapes in place at all times. Some are sheer, some are stylish and modern in the ‘less is more’ mode; and some are very heavy, full of dust and require folding. But all serve the same purpose – to prevent casual passersby from seeing what is going on inside.
Waste water chute
During normal Vagina use, this should be of no concern and will not be in operation, but in many reported instances, waste water can be ejected from this hidden chute during actual Vagina use – often right in your face if you happen to be in the area. So be prepared. If you do intend to spend any face time in the vicinity, common sense dictates wearing a diving mask .
While all Vaginas start out with strong, elastic expandable jaws, often, through rough usage or long storage, the jaws lose their elasticity and their gripping power. Using such a Vagina is still possible, and should you find yourself using one, there is really nothing you can do to remedy the situation. So just get the job done and move on with your life. Be warned, however, that using a slack jawed Vagina can generate the three words that all men fear most “Are you in?” So have a witty answer prepared ahead of time.
Self Cleaning Oven
This is the Vagina proper, without all the bells and whistles. It is extremely easy to use and can be used over and over again with no need to worry about structure fatigue or crack formation. It is designed to be very warm and work in most conditions. It is also conveniently self cleaning, hence the constant moisture; so you never need bother about leaving a mess behind. It is conveniently accessible from front, back, side and even upside down. Although it might not look it at first glance, the Vagina is one of the most elegant designs on earth and has stood the test of time for approximately 2.5 million years. (Unless of course you are a biblical scholar, in which case that elapsed time is carefully calculated to be 5,000 years. Sort of the same time period. But not.) Either way, it’s a keeper.
Pressure release valve
During use, moisture content and pressure build up in the Vagina and this clever design function lets the build-up escape without a major explosion or incident. If you’ve ever seen what happens when a steam boiler blows up, you will be eternally grateful for this thoughtful little design touch.
If there is one flaw in the overall Vagina design it is this. The catchment area, created to collect the discharge from the Pressure Release Valve does not work worth a damn. Therefore it is strongly advised to put an absorbent towel under the Vagina before use. otherwise you will have to live with the dreaded resulting Wet Spot.
Ball Bounce Backboard
While at first glance this entire area may seem useless and superfluous, in fact this Ball Bounce Backboard is a very well designed and essential part of Vagina use. Carefully made to be not too soft, yet not too hard, it is the perfect surface for your balls to bounce off of rigourously, during traditional Vagina use. (Just imagine for a moment if it were made of concrete, and sigh with relief that it is not.)
The Wood Chipper
This is a very dangerous apparatus indeed. If you do get the owner’s permission to use this natural wonder, and make no mistake, permission is required by law, do not be surprised to find that it will chew your wood into a flaccid toothpick in mere seconds. This is not a feature for amateurs or dilettantes.
Occasionally, in the self cleaning oven, you will find packing material to aid in dry transport. Remember to always remove this material before Vagina use. This can be done by locating and pulling on the convenient rip cord. After removal the oven will be dry, so allow a few seconds for the lube to be naturally redistributed. This can be accelerated by manual massage of the area or attention to the oft ignored Turbo Ignition Button.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REINSERT THE PACKING MATERIAL INTO THE VAGINA AFTER USE. Just throw it on the floor. Don’t worry. Vagina owners do not like to leave packing material lying about and will eventually pick it up. .
Getting your Vagina set up
1) Prep work
Although the Vagina itself needs virtually no prep work at all, the Vagina owner frequently does. Generally speaking, prepping the owner requires a great deal more time than actually using the Vagina does. But it is a necessary evil. Sometimes mindless talk will do the trick. Often, however, there are pre-Vagina expenses involved, such as dinner and a movie, strong drink or date rape drugs. Consider this the traditional cost of doing business.
Another essential part of the prep work usually involves transporting the Vagina owner to a place where vagina use is comfortable. This can include up against a wall in an alley, in the back seat of a car or at her place (this is always much better than your place, as it allows you to easily slink away after Vagina use – which is something you will usually want to do – after all, why stay around?)
Don’t worry about the vagina owner feeling slighted by your cavalier treatment. Research shows that Vagina owners not only are used to this but actually expect it.
Once you have done the prep work, and transported the Vagina owner to a secure and undisclosed location, you have to unwrap the Vagina.. This can be done slowly, rapidly or partially. Unbeknownst to many, a Vagina can be used even if it is only partially unwrapped.
Generally speaking, though it pays to unwrap the Vagina slowly. The owner is usually much happier when things are done this way and it eliminates the chance that you will later be billed for torn clothing. (Which can be very expensive indeed)
In some circumstances, ripping the wrappings off like a child on Christmas morning can excite the Vagina owner and result in more generous access to the Appliance, , but always make sure the owner gives tacit permission – usually by ripping your clothes off first.
Directions for casual use
1) Test the waters
Lube is important. Always test the lube level by hand before using the Vagina. This can be accomplished with the casual exterior pass by of one or both hands or a partial insertion of a finger into the Self Cleaning Oven. If it slides easily or indeed, if your entire hand is sucked into the vortex, the Vagina is reedy for use. If not, try pressing lightly on the Turbo Ignition button. Or use outside lube.
2) Insert Tab A into Slot B
This assumes that you have named your penis Tab A. If not, substitute your pet name for Tab A and follow the directions closely. NOTE For simplicity’s sake and due to unrepentant laziness, we have referred to the Self Cleaning Oven here as Slot B. Do not make the mistake of assuming there is another undocumented slot in the area.
The remaining directions are self evident and require no further explanations.
3) Push ahead and insert Tab A fully inside Slot B
4) Partially retract Tab A
5) Repeat steps 3 and 4 until Tab A deflates
6) Fully retract Tab A
7) Quietly gather up your clothes and shoes and run
While it might not appear possible, the fact is that, given enough lube and a accommodating position, any hand will easily fit into any Vagina. You must first elevate the Vagina. To accomplish this, use a pillow. Make sure there is plenty of lube both around the entrance to the Self Cleaning Oven and all over the hand. Then insert more and more fingers while pressing down toward the Wood Chipper. Eventually the hand will slide easily right inside. From this position you can explore the inner space and perhaps find the fabled G-Spot. Or King Solomon’s Mines.(Although neither discovery is very likely. However, the spirit of exploration is what separates men from the new castrati. So give it a go.)
2) Free diving
This involves holding your breath and going, face first, into the quagmire. Many a man, proven courageous in battle and successful in the hunt, stumbles at this point and turns away, unwilling to do a full face plant into this toxic quicksand. Yet the rewards for persistence are great indeed. Ignore the smell – in fact that odour is an acquired, well, taste. After enjoying the resultant pleasures that Free Diving can give you, you will find that you get excited and tumescent when you encounter any fishy smell at all. (Which can be awkward at fish markets and fish and chip shops. But endearing.)
The slippery natural lube can be off-putting too, but faint heart ne’er won fair Vagina. Concentrate your attention on the Turbo Ignition Button. Only come up for air when you absolutely must. If there is a sudden strong muscular paroxysm or whole body shudder, don’t be alarmed. This is a natural side effect. Be aware too that the Vagina Owner, at this point, in an excess of exuberance, might clamp your head deep into the Self Cleaning Oven, urging you to continue the Free Dive.. Again, don’t despair. This situation will not last for long and keep in mind that, statistically, only a very few men have suffocated during this kind of involuntary closeness.
The well documented rewards of this kind of activity are that the Vagina owner will usually let you use the appliance in nearly any way you choose, as many times as you want, and will often offer full access to the Wood Chipper as well. So the pain is well worth the prize.
3) Power Tools
As all men know, using power tools is the most fun you can have with your clothes on. Here, finally, you get to go to heaven – and use power tools with your clothes off. A number of powerful pieces of equipment are available for use in and around the Vagina. In fact, the Vagina Owner may have a collection of such tools close to hand – and, let’s face it, no real man will refuse to use a good power tool in any situation.
Although the instinct is to shove any power tool directly into the Self Cleaning Oven to do a quick comparative depth sounding, you will find that using the equipment, set to WHIP, on and around the Turbo Ignition Button will generate wild gyrations and mad abandon on the part of the Vagina Owner. While these are fun to watch, always keep in mind the main agenda -which is unlimited use of the Vagina. Power tools are a very well proven and very efficient means to this end as the Vagina Owner will almost always be overly grateful for your monomaniacal attention to detail. In addition, achieving the same results by hand could literally take hours and might result in painful carpal tunnel syndrome. So always go the power tool route, given the choice. (Might be good strategy to carry one around with you just in case you encounter a wily Vagina in the wild or deep in the urban jungle.)
Also, if you intend to use the same Vagina for a second or third time within a short period, power tools are a very good way to ensure that the Self Cleaning Oven remains hot and lubed up and the owner remains generous and accommodating.
4) Step over toe hold
This is a trust exercise. It truly separates the men from the castrati and should not to be attempted by rank amateurs or the faint of heart. In this situation, you must first get in position to use the Vagina doggie style. This is a lot of fun in and of itself, and the Vagina Owner is usually agreeable. But now. like real men, we take it one step further. Get the Vagina Owner to reach underneath you and hold your balls softly as you vigourously use the Vagina from this position. It is sublime.
But never forget that in this position the Vagina Owner has you right where she wants you – so be certain that you have not done anything offensive before assuming the position. Even if she appears to be in a good mood however, always keep in mind that being anywhere near a typical Vagina owner, at any time, is like being near an unexploded bomb. There could be a sudden shift in the dynamics and you will find yourself in a very vulnerable position indeed. However taking risks is what separates real men from the new castrati.
So roger that.
5) Firing up the wood chipper
Generally speaking the Vagina owner will not enjoy your use of the wood chipper. No matter what the size of the wood you hope to chip. So you must ensure that she takes leave of her senses. This can be accomplished by thorough free diving (See 2 above), or by the extended use of power tools (See 3 above).
Once mindless permission is obtained, again, as it must be by law, then be aware that the wood chipper is a very different animal from the Vagina. Using natural Vagina lube and, if you’ve done things correctly, there should be lots available by this time – can be done but, even so, outside lube is usually a must. As a result things will be even more slippier than ever. Also, as your mother used to say “You don’t know where it’s been”. So wear your rubbers.
A word tot he wise – be prepared. The wood chipper will reduce your wood to a mere bent twig in seconds. So wood chipper use will be a sprint rather than a marathon. Even so it will leave you breathless.
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT WOOD CHIPPER USE IF YOU HAVE ANY HEART PROBLEMS.
1) Dry Hole Drilling
If the Vagina owner is nervous or if you have plied too much strong drink too soon, the Vagina will be too dry to use comfortably. Manual manipulation can often rectify the situation as can the skillful use of the Turbo Ignition button. But should these simple hacks fail, use outside lube copiously, inside and outside the Self Cleaning Oven. Once that pump is primed, it will begin producing its own lube and all will be well.
If not check to see whether the Vagina Owner is dead.
If so, use even more of the outside lube. And leave no evidence whatsoever.
2) Closed shaft phenomena
Occasionally the Vagina owner will decide, halfway through the usage period, that the Vagina in question is no longer open for use. This, of course is frustrating and often painful, but must be addressed in a civilized manner. Promising the Vagina owner anything under the sun often works; marriage proposals are usually particularly effective, although huge diamond rings, new cars or furnished flats also work. Remember that promises made under these conditions are not enforceable under law, as they can be considered to have been made under duress. So you are free to say anything that might work. (Send successful promises to Ballz magazine – to the Desperate Mating Calls That Worked editor – for the essential education of all mankind).
However, if nothing seems to reverse the situation, leave the Vagina for an authorized service person and find another. As we noted before, there are many fishy smelling things in the sea. This is especially true on weekends, when, as a rule, you cannot swing a dead cat without hitting an available wet Vagina.
3) Bottoming out
This does not occur often but once in a while, depending on the position and the relative sizes of Slot B and Tab A, you can bottom out and start poking her cervix. This, of course, is the ultimate compliment and should be savoured. Although hitting bottom will not be uncomfortable for you, however, it will be for the Vagina Owner. Which could easily result in Closed Shaft Phenomena (See 2 above) . One convenient solution to this problem is a Penis Depth Limiter or a Dick Donut. (Available, of course, from Ballz Magazine – refer to the Big Swinging Richard Equipage page. Check out Richard Limiters.) It is a silicon donut about 2 inches thick which will let you merrily and mindlessly pound away without fear . Just having a Dick Donut will show the Vagina owner that you really care and may get you further use of the Vagina without further outlay of funds. Even if you are underendowed, it can be beneficial to whip one of these Dick Limiters out. After all, it is a well known fact that Vagina owners tend to really love the men who can make them laugh.
In conclusion – The Vagina is a very useful household appliance with a classically elegant design that has stood the test of time for over 2.5 million years. (Or 5,000, depending on your definition of ‘year”) . If you use a vagina regularly, with respect and within reason, it should give you many years of trouble free service.
To that end:
DO NOT SHARE THIS GUIDE WITH VAGINA OWNERS. TROUBLE COULD ENSUE