The fat lady sings no more. She packed her bags, told you that she doesn’t love you anymore, slammed the door and left for good. So now, you’re facing one of the biggest problems: how to save a marriage when she wants out, while in the same time, you see no reasons for divorce.
To make things even worse, that last night, after a couple of weeks of dreadful, exhausting and desperate arguments, discussions, begging, kneeling and crying, you snapped after she provoked you for that one first and last time and used physical force to make your case. Nothing too serious, but still…
Many of you can identify with the above presented situation. At the same time, many have failed to fix a broken marriage. They failed because they couldn’t understand the fundamental reasons behind her decision to end the entire deal and leave.
If you don’t know what is broken, then how can you possibly fix it, right?
Contrary to general belief or perhaps your own, this isn’t the end. Far from that.
So what is happening?
Everything seemed just fine from your perspective. There were no clear reasons for this sudden and totally unexpected breakup.
It seems that you marriage problems weren’t so big or dramatic. At least nothing raised the alarm and led you to believe how something is fundamentally wrong. You didnt know that you had to figure out how to save a marriage.
Is it really like that? Are you sure that there were no telltale signs of the soon to come total disaster and divorce request?
There were. Plenty of them. But the common perception of what marriage is and what can cause the breakup, disguised the low intensity fire that was burning under the surface for quite some time now.
To understand what happened and learn how to save a marriage after separation, we must start at the beginning. As you will soon find out, there are just three reasons for divorce. Only, you failed to recognize them. Both of you.
What is happening? Why she suddenly left? How to save a marriage now when she’s gone?
In your case, the case of a young man who got married to the woman of his dreams, nothing changed! You simply exchanged one woman who took care of you (mother) for another (wife) who is taking care of you now. Simple as that.
In her case, the case of a young, beautiful woman, who fell in love in her prince, the entire world turned upside-down the moment she woke up after the wedding ceremony.
All of the sudden, she finds herself in one of the most difficult roles known to humans. Unlike you, who just switched from one woman to another, she, in fact, lost that woman (mother) just to become one (wife/mother) – over the course of one single night!
So you see now how you two have entirely different feeling about the marriage. She’s fucked – literally, while you enjoy even more!
She soon catches up with everything and this is where problems begin
That initial excitement of being the one in charge — with or without children in the entire picture — fades away pretty soon. Life gets in a way. Routine kicks in. A complete absence of any dynamics starts taking its toll. Slowly but surely, she’s switching between the feeling of anxiety and deep depression – not knowing why!!
At the same time, you are a responsible man, busting your balls on some 9-5, to bring home some money. It’s most likely that you’re spending the bigger portion of your day and perhaps even a week on your professional occupation.
All that time, she’s alone.
Now, your rationale is simple: it’s not milk and honey. Somebody must take responsibility and charge ahead. Sure, she works and brings home some money. But it’s you who make the most. So what’s the problem?
The problem is: money and financial security was a big deal in the beginning. She was happy that her prince is bringing a shit load of money. After a while, it turned out that money is not that important to her. At least not as much as the fact that she’s lonely, missing that crucial physical contact with you. Far from the eyes, further from the heart.
According to you and people from your closest social circle, you’re a perfect husband in any field. Loyal, respectful, responsible, skillful, capable of taking care of the things, gentle and caring. For the outside world, you two are setting up the example.
Only, there are three problems she has with you; problems others are not realizing:
- You never help with the chores.
- You neglect her.
- And you’re a shitty lover for some time now.
All you know how to do after coming home from the work is to kick back in your chair, pop open the beer and watch the game. Then later that night, even though she’s not in the mood, you force your way just to relieve yourself. While you’re breathing on her neck, she wants to cry. Life is not supposed to be this way.
While wives do not have a need to for sex with their husbands to the same extent husbands have with them, they do enjoy it. But the first time you enforce sex, you are triggering the chain of events that will inevitably lead to this outcome – she, dropping on everything and leaving for good!
What is happening right now, a few moments after she’s gone?
The two of you have reached an invisible wall, every single couple that spent 10 and more years together hit at least once in their marital career. Unfortunately, only 20% of all couples will invest needed energy and efforts to climb over that wall. 80% will fail to save a marriage.
So, how those 20% do it? What is their big secret?
First of all, you have to understand this: nothing is broken beyond the point of repair at this moment!
She’s pissed, made it clear that she doesn’t love you anymore, and she wants divorce papers A.S.A.P. This is telling you something. She’s not cooled off. Love is still in the air. Only, her image of the marriage broke apart and now she’s having difficulties creating the new image. It just wasn’t how she imagined it.
And yes, you played a critical role in this breakup. Spoiled brat, like every other man, you failed to react in time. You saw it; you felt it, only you didn’t have guts to deal with it. The tragedy is: she couldn’t provide you with the BIG clear signs that something has to change or the entire deal w go to hell. Yet, you chose not to acknowledge any of them.
Thus, the outcome – she’s gone! But not forever. In reality, she isn’t gone nor lost.
This is just the common situation where she was forced, for the first time ever, to show you that she means business. This is that final desperate act to teach you a lesson, whether she’s aware of it or not!
Every single wife was forced to do this at least once in her marital career!
All those discussions and all those fights didn’t solve shit with you. While she was talking, you were thinking about sex. While she was crying, you were wondering how someone can cry over such a small thing. One tear after the other, and cumulative effect of those “small things” led her to the only viable conclusion – she made a mistake. You’re not the prince! You’re just an asshole, like all other men.
Since nothing worked, she was left with only one choice – to leave you!
As you can clearly see now, the effect of her action is mind blowing. For the first time ever, you are realizing the seriousness of the situation.
So what now? How to save a marriage?
- Leave her some space, but don’t detach entirely. Once every two days, call on her cellphone to talk with the kid(s). If you don’t have kid(s), that may be the underlying problem! Think dynamics and breaking the routine!
- Stop begging and crying over the phone.
- Stop pitching the relatives and friends. You’ve done enough in that field. She felt guilty enough already. No need to trigger the resistance.
- After a week, call her and see if she’s in the mood for the round of talks with you. Make sure to demonstrate the unconditional and total determination to change! You know now in what fields.
- Don’t lose your temper, regardless of how she responds. Maybe she needs some more time to absorb everything. If she seems negative, so be it for now.
- UNDERSTAND THAT THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE PUT MORE STRESS ON HER THAN ON YOU, regardless of what you might feel about it.
This is the only viable way to save the marriage after separation. If you want to make it work, you have to be prepared on some changes. Those changes include, but they are not limited to the following:
- Equilibrium in house chores such as cleaning, taking care of the kids and cooking
- Taking her away, every month or so, somewhere where there are no familiar faces – without children – to refresh your relationship without any outside influence (you started alone, you have to keep being alone whenever it’s humanly possible!)
- Changing the dynamics every now and then (change career, start the business which will allow you more time with her, change residence, or anything else that has the power to shock her senses and leave her speechless!)
- Improving your sexual skills, but it’s more likely that you only have to “improve” the willingness of making the entire sexual experience positive for her!
The first 3 are also the things you’re gonna use when finally meet with her in the round of talks. But do mean everything you say and do act upon your promises.
The last one – the sex, is the single, most crucial thing you need to improve. Your current situation is largely caused by her negative sexual experience with you.
It’s wasn’t always like that. Something changed. You changed!
Now you must get back to that lovely guy she adored back in the days. A careful lover who puts her needs before his!
You fucked this up!
You neglected her and used her as the relief valve. That’s the fact and you can bitch as much as you like, but nothing will change the reality of the things.
What do women want out of marriage in the first place?
Besides the obvious advantage of great financial standings, wife has only three other demands from her husband:
- Equality in everything, including the house chores and errands. There is no such thing as men’s and women’s job. Washing dishes is not only “her job.” Make your peace with that your caveman!
- Never ever neglecting her, no matter how difficult it is to extract that bonus energy after a long day at work. Talk to her, ask her about her day and show genuine concern about her troubles, worries and general well-being!
- NEVER EVER FORCE THE SEX! And never ever use her as the relief valve. She doesn’t deserve that. It’s just that she’s isn’t that much into the sex with you anymore. That’s only natural or it would be more humans than rats on this planet. It also doesn’t mean that she’ll jump in some other man’s bed. However, you are expected to provide with the ultimate sexual experience – frequently, even if it’s just for that one time in month!
Yes, it always comes down to the quality of sex life. After all, sex is one of just 5 life essentials. It is important and women love it. They just don’t appreciate constant drooling, spanking and forcing of it, that’s all. It acts as the turn off.
You know how that works. Stay exposed to a certain frequent stimuli and it won’t excite you anymore. Same is with her. If you’re “always available” for sex, walking around naked, pulling her skirt up every time she’s washing the dishes, you’re not interesting anymore. So make yourself unavailable from time to time and see what happens.
Their sex drive is somewhat weaker than ours. But do leave some room and act like you don’t give a shit, and she’ll slam the door, just to start doing it with another man. How will that feel now when you know that it’s your fault?
This is how you save a marriage if she wants out without any obvious reason. As you could see, there are more than a few reasons behind her decision.
And no, she isn’t cheating on you. She didn’t find someone else. At least not yet. Don’t trust your “friends.” Adultery is not the reason for divorce. It’s a consequence of the things we explained.
You have the chance now. Nothing is truly lost. But do mean it! Save your marriage or help someone else to save his.
Good luck and all the best to you my man!