Buckle up! We’re in for some rough ride. Things are heating up and we cannot really rule out the possibility of the nuclear attack. This is the User Guide to Apocalypse for those who are not prepared. A step-by-step nuclear attack survival guide – Ballz style!
But first, let’s think this through.
When the asteroid hit the Earth some 65 million years ago, smaller creatures managed to survive by digging themselves deep into the ground. Apparently, nuclear winter didn’t last for an extended time because, if it did, what would they eat, right?
Thus, our best chance might be to replicate the survival strategy of those little rodents (it turns out that we are the descendants of the rats, which could explain the behavior of some people).
And since we are not that eager to shovel our way 100 feet into the ground, we’ll be pragmatic.
Now, the second obvious problem is time.
When the clock is ticking the final countdown, we must think fast. Fast decision-making and swift execution of the survival strategy will make the difference between life and death.
Most of the folks will start panicking inside their homes and it will take them an hour to get their shit together and react. Which means that you have a window of opportunity here because when they sound the sirens, nuclear blast will be the least of your worries.
From that moment on, the following will happen:
- 10% of the entire population will die in the subsequent chaos due to tragic accidents.
- 10% of the entire population will drop dead as the victims of the random violence.
- And probably 20% of the population will suffer terminal injuries as the result of the “survival of the fittest” strategy.
All that shit will happen in the first 2 hours. Don’t forget that North Koreans don’t have a large nuclear arsenal so they can’t really cover the entire country all at once. In addition, the range of the missiles is rather limited.
So the name of the game here is thinking fast and executing even faster.
Have your weapon with you and adequate amounts of ammo. You’re gonna need it.
Here’s the optimal survival strategy. Save it, because, well, you never know…
#1 – Go out and shoot that annoying dog. If the owner even blinks in your direction shoot that motherfucker too.
And then they say that you can’t find even a little personal satisfaction if you’re doomed to die the next day (which makes me think, will it be “the next day” per se?).
That stupid little mutt and his disturbingly ugly owner are pissing on your front lawn for too goddamn long. It’s time to set the record straight, so after they broadcast the message and sound the sirens, load your gun, head out, and shoot that damn mutt.
It’s highly questionable would the owner react in some way since you’re holding the weapon and it’s clear that you have no problem using it.
But, just as a precaution, stay in cover because that prick could return the favor with M-16.
OK, you had your fun. Now it’s time to start with the serious business. After all, we are trying to survive against all odds.
#2 – Load your family into a vehicle and drive to some big ass, deep, and long cave system that contains water.
Once you’re finished with the neighbor, get back inside and Google some close enough cave system. You can find those everywhere and most likely you know about a few of them. Keep in mind that the clock is ticking because EMP from the blast will knock out every electronic device in the area and consequently kill the internet.
Plan the fastest route by avoiding the main road communication because there will be plenty of folks driving “somewhere”. Many of them will be clueless about where they are heading so they’ll just go with the flow. That shit spells traffic jam.
You won’t be clueless because you’re smarter than that since you’ve read this neat guide that will probably save not only your life but potentially kick-start the species again; if you play your cards right.
Remember: sentimentality and high moral standards must be removed from your mind. You’re on the mission here and the goal justifies the means.
Once you planned everything, get them all in the off-roader of some kind (if you don’t own one, it’s time for the grand theft auto strategy), and drive away as faster as you can.
Settle them all in and make sure each of them carries a loaded weapon before you leave.
Yes, you must head back right away because time is running out. Radiation is spreading and the new bomb may explode in your area any minute now.
#3 – Make sure to pick up your hot assistant too because, well, somebody must assist you and who’s better for the job than someone who’s used to working with you.
As it has been said, moral standards must be removed. So head back, and track her down. Mobile phones will most likely be useless at this point so it might be wise to learn her habits now to be sure later.
It’s gonna be hard in that cave and you’ll be forced to rely on additional help, as you’ll explain it to your wife.
Yeah…that’s only an excuse to have yet another hot piece of ass by your side because let’s not forget about one of the primary duties you’ll have in this situation: propagation.
So forget about the condoms and just force her into the vehicle if needed. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And hurry. There’s lot to do.
If you resent this tactic and find it disgusting, we sure as hell can’t count on you to do the job, Thus, we will most likely be forced to eliminate you since it would be a waste of resources to keep you alive. So suck it up and do what has to be done. You’re the man after all.
On your way to her location, scan the environment for some large car trailer. You’re gonna need it and locating one in time will give you an edge because it will save you the time that’s been running out.
#4 – Steal that car trailer and head to the closest mall
You have to supply your needs preferably for at least 1 year so having an assistant will come handy at this point.
Once inside the mall, spread up. One is covering the canned goods while other is collecting flour, rice, sugar, pepper, salt and basic hygiene products. Shoot your way to the goods. Cops will have better things to do anyway.
You’re gonna need some tools, so make sure to get:
- the hammer
- few axes
- simple saws
- and few pounds of nails.
It will be important to secure the premises and to make additional adjustments to your new settlement such as shelves, elevated beds, separate “rooms” and similar. Don’t forget that you’ll be living in that cave for at least 6 months BEFORE you take a peek outside.
Run inside the hardware store with your vehicle if needed.
There is no time to lose here.
You are short on time because you lost some of it searching for the chainsaws and suitable canisters for the gasoline.
Also, since you are “shopping,” be a doll and pick something sweet for your wife. She won’t be too happy once she realizes why you brought your hot assistant with you. Having a chocolate or two may save your life.
While we’re on the subject, it might be wise to supply those girls with adequate amounts of hygiene resources such as towels, napkins (regular and sanitary) and by all mean, don’t forget to pack few first aid kits.
Hit the road, Jack! The world around you is on fire, literally!
Unload everything as deep inside the cave as you can.
You don’t want to be anywhere close to that entrance when the shit hits the fan.
Now, start cutting woods around the entrance.
You really don’t want that raging fire anywhere near the entrance. Because, if the shit blows in your new neighborhood, there will be some heat, make no mistake about it.
Carry as much of that wood inside the cave because you’re gonna use it afterward. At the same time, get your kids to pick up every single branch that they can find.
Well, you can forget about the central heating systems. It’s a simple fire again. Once you light it up, keep it going.
Bust your balls to carry as much woods as possible inside because your lives are depending on your ability to heat the place at least a bit.
Once everything settles, there will be no woods on this planet (but there will be frozen roots!).
The Armageddon is knocking at the doors. But It’s not over yet. You still have one thing to do while they are dragging all those trees inside.
Start your car again and jump in because you’re gonna drive back and
#5 – Fuck that hot neighbor like it’s your last day on this planet, which, in fact, is the fact
That’s something you wanna to do for a long time now. She’s so goddamn hot that you and your palls are drooling every time you even think about her.
Use this unique opportunity and drive to her house. You know she’s there because she has a big ass cellar underneath that house her ex-husband dug out and fortified. That son of a bitch was right all this time.
Will she let you in? Sure. Why not. You know she has the thing for you and she’s most likely alone inside so take the chance.
Once you’ve indulged your urges, say goodbye to the nice lady and head back to your family.
You might question the sanity of this extra effort as it may appear as an unnecessary gamble with your life.
The way we see it is that you’re gonna spend 6 to 12 months in a cold and wet cave with only a few people. No TV, no Facebook, no newspapers, only your memories. You will spend days sitting around and rewinding the interesting moments of your life. Why not add another, exciting one?
Just think about it. You have only hours left but you are decisive to dip in that sweat, juicy cunt just to have a great memory afterward. Sounds insane?
Drive! Don’t think too much because, at this point, you’ll receive information that another ICBM is about to impact dangerously close to you. Drive!
8 minutes and 11 seconds before the impact
Drain the fuel from the car and take everything that you could potentially use such as the car battery, cables, seats…shit, if there is any possible way, drive that thing inside. Highly unlikely but who knows, maybe you’ll find some great cave to experience the life of our great ancient ancestors.
Start covering the entrance with the rocks and head deep into the cave. There is no way to tell how this shit will turn out to be.
10 seconds before the impact
You’ll have a unique opportunity to hear the roaring sound of the missile flying your way. If one could stay outside and observe the impact, he would be able to see the night sky as never before. It would be glowing white but the noise would be unbearable.
5 seconds before the impact
Say your prayer because your ass is fried. This is only a hypothetical way to survive because nobody tested it so it may or may not work.
Best of luck my friend. Maybe we’ll meet some day and exchange stories.