Few weeks ago, my best man came for the advice about rather unpleasant and ungrateful subject to advise in – infidelity – or cheating. Apparently, his wife turned out to be one cheating spouse. A woman that I know for my entire life, same as him, has slept with the guy she met at work. It’s yet another of many infidelity stories only this one involves people I know which caught my immediate attention.
After he found out that his wife cheated on him, he confronted her that same day, in the living room of their newly bought house. Luckily, kids were gone.
She was swearing too all known and unknown gods that it was just a stupid mistake in a moment of weakness. It happened only once and it will never happen again. Cheating in a relationship was something she never thought will happen.
You must realize one thing: hardly any guy loves his wife the way he does. And I thought it was vice versa also. Now, I’m not so sure. We are talking about the man who has never cheated on his wife and was there for here for better and for worse in the most extreme meaning of both!
His predicament was mind and heart crushing: should I forgive her cheating or not? Was it just a mistake? Will she cheat again?
They say first time is an accident; second time is an exception from the rule, and third time is the rule! If we’re going to believe what she claims, it’s a one-time incidence so it was, in fact, an accident.
Then again, you can’t just slip on something and accidentally stick your dick in some random woman’s vagina, can you? Vice versa applies also!
But was it a mistake? Can something like that happen to anyone, out of nowhere? Or is it a chain of events that leads to a conscious decision to do something morally unaccepted? To engage in what can only be described as infidelity and ultimate betrayal.
Cheating in a relationship is not a mistake!
It cannot be, regardless of the angle from which you’re looking at the facts and regardless of our comprehension of standardly recognized and approved cognitive behavior.
Mistake can only exist if the action and/or response resulted in a tragedy or any other form of an unwanted outcome, for which the doer had no clear perception of the possibility of that kind of outcome!
You turned left instead of right in some new city you hardly know, and missed the exit. That’s an honest mistake, that could happen to anybody.
You simply can’t accidentally take off your pants and panties and allow some dude you hardly even know to fuck you from behind in his freakin’ car! You can’t “accidentally” suck someone’s dick, or “accidentally” allow some guy to lick your pussy either!
That’s not a mistake because, well, it’s clear that you were well aware of the possible negative impact of your decision to screw in some stranger’s car! Wrong turn will waste some of your time and nerves. Infidelity will ruin number of lives. That cannot be put under the same umbrella, period!
There’s a clear intention in that action. She wasn’t drugged or anything. She consciously entered into the sexual intercourse with another man, even though she’s perfectly aware of what will happen if (or even better, when) the truth comes out.
So when you think about it, the only “mistake” she did was failing to ensure that the truth about her deed stays hidden. It’s a naïve thinking of an adult person, because we all know how shit has a habit of catching up with us when we least expect it.
That was her only “mistake.” Everything else can only be observed as the series of conscious and deliberate actions and responses coming from a healthy, adult human being who is perfectly capable of distinguishing right from wrong. Acceptable and unacceptable. Positive and negative.
Should you forgive?
Forgive, maybe. Forget, never! Then again, are you sure that you can live with the fact that the one person you trusted mostly has betrayed you? Can you lie beside her and hold her like you used to or is it more likely that your mind will start making all sorts of scenarios where you see her bumping ugly with some stranger?
Do you honestly want to spend the best years of your life in paranoia, watching like a hawk over her?
Or do you say, “Fuck you honey, I’m out of here,” and move on with your life, living with full lungs the remaining years of this limited time we have on this planet?
Ah, yes, the kids…what about the kids, you ask?
Kids are selfish when it comes to this. They only want what’s practical for them and that’s their mother and the father under the same roof so they wouldn’t have to choose where to go on Christmas or whom to call for their anniversary or some other party. Because, if they call both, that could result in an awkward and extremely embarrassing and unpleasant situation.
So, as far as they are concerned, suck it up and move on! They just don’t give a fuck about your ordeals because, as we said, it’s not practical for them. In many cases, kid will “choose” the side, making all sorts of excuses and accusations, picking the guilty one. It’s just easier that way.
The question is: would the darkness of your life with the woman who had cheated on you be of any benefit to your children? Or is it more likely that they will keep stumbling on silence and awkwardness?
Because, and make no mistake about this: the worm of the doubt will never leave you!
You will develop a “third eye” and probably attack without any real reason. Every single thing will raise the suspicion in you. Every look. Every smile. Every move. Every man she meets or crosses her eyes with. Nothing will be as it used to be.
It’s up to you. Because nobody knows you better. Nobody knows her better either. Can you handle the stress and continue living a normal life, wondering will she do it again?
Will it happen again?
It happened once, if that’s some indicator. Nobody can tell with utmost certainty, and you know that.
But one thing is absolutely certain: if you continue living the life the way you lived up until that point, sooner or later, some guy will exploit the situation, and she’ll succumb to her emotions.
As you will soon learn, it was in fact you who failed in at least one critical aspect of your joint life with her, which triggered the chain of events, leading her to have sex with the stranger on the backseat of his car, like a teenage girl on a prom night.
It’s not like I’m defending her deed in any way. It was the betrayal, plain and simple. Nobody can say anything that will change my mind about that.
But there are two people in that marriage. Two, that played crucial roles in this dreadful situation. Whom to blame for this tragedy?
Whose fault is it? Why women cheat?
Both yours and hers!
That’s right, my friend, it’s 50/50. You did or missed to do something and as the result, she had cheated on you! It’s that simple, regardless of what you may think or believe.
What that could be? What are the causes of infidelity?
Women are pathological attention seekers. They constantly work in one direction only: to receive the confirmation of their still burning sexuality and self-worth, recognized by the others – men in particular! None of us can ignore the determining power of the sex drive. It’s so freakin’ powerful that it starts the wars! How do you ignore something like that?
If you are not there — every single day; every single hour — to provide with that confirmation, someone else will be, guaranteed. Give it some time and infidelity is inevitable result!
Yeah, I understand that our modern life’s dynamics ain’t leaving you with much of the room for that, but in all sincerity, when was the last time you did something great for your wife?
When was the last time you looked at her with those eyes she fell for years ago?
When was the last time you gave her a compliment out of nowhere, without her even asking for it. Because, when she seeks or asks for it, it’s already irrelevant.
When was the last time you spotted that hidden cue between your wife and some man and reacted with the vengeance of the God himself?
When was the last time you bought her flowers or something nice or took her somewhere even though it wasn’t her birthday or anniversary?
Well, and trust me on this, there’s more than a dozen guys in her closest vicinity who will do all these stuff and more for her only if she would allow them!!
Negligence, over the extended period of time, inevitably leads to infidelity at both men and women. It’s the nature of the things because, as a species, and due to our mirror neurons as the unique evolutionary “perk,” we are constantly seeking for the acceptance and approval of our expressions. And it’s not gender related. You’re doing it also – all the time!
So what was my advice to him?
Take a break. Leave for a week, two week, or even a month. Go somewhere far way; somewhere you feel safe and sound, but most importantly, somewhere where nobody can you reach you. Make some space between you and her.
It’s a serious decision and even though it may seem simple and straightforward, no good decision is ever made when in a state of serious distress, anxiety or being pissed as hell!
Let the situation cool down a bit and then go back. See if she’s waiting for you. If she’s not, then you don’t have to think anymore. But if she is, it’s the entirely different game and mostly depends on the level of your own vanity and ego. Can you live with that?
“What would you do?” He asked me that evening, while we were sitting at my balcony, watching dozens of people, walking and minding their own business, not being aware of one man’s personal drama, only a couple of yards from them. How would each of them react on such a situation? What would they do? Those were the question running through my mind in that moment.
“You can only know what you have experienced. Everything else is just an assumption that may or may not turn out to be the reality. I never went through your ordeals so I honestly can’t answer that question.”
That was my answer and I firmly believe in that.
People will offer you all kinds of advices, whether you ask them or not. The majority has never dealt with the problem you’re seeking an advice for.
So how could they possibly consult you in such a matter? How could I say what he should do if I never had a chance to be in his shoes? That would be immoral and totally unaccepted.
It’s like a catholic priest who’s insisting on teaching the young couples about the virtues of the marriage, even though he’s got no experience in that matter. It’s like a judge, presiding over the case of the traffic accident, even though he or she does not have a driver’s license (I knew one).
You can advise only in those matters you’ve experienced in and was forced to make a decision about. Only then you can tell was your decision the right one or the entirely wrong one.
My best man is still in that “cooling period” so I really can’t tell you what will be his final decision and how this situation will eventually turn out. I just hope his decision will work in his best interest.