Since we lived in caves, women have trotted out the lame excuse “Not tonight. I’ve got a headache.” Awwwww. Poor baby.
We men, of course, only live to make women’s lives better and make their pain go away, so we’ve backed off for thousands of years when we hear this. But now, at long last, I have realized what a mistake this has been. I have managed, after decades of hands on study, to unravel the true meaning between the lines of this bit of Woman-Speak and finally uncovered the truth. “I’ve got a headache” really means – “Let’s do it. Right now. Hard and fast.”
Of course your headachy woman might not realize she is actually conveying this when she’s says she’s got a headache, but as you well know, women seldom know what the hell they are saying anyway, as they babble on – sort of a continual radio in the background of life. The ultimate Companion Media.
Now, at least for this one common phrase, you know exactly what she means and you know exactly what to do about it – BANG THE BITCH BETTER.
A good rogering will not only cure her pounding headache, but it will do her a world of good besides. Recent clinical research in both the UK, and in the US has shown that the endorphins released by the female orgasm, ironically, cure headaches almost instantly. They also relieve stress, anxiety, mood swings and, well, bitchiness. As well as boosting a woman’s self esteem, confidence, immune system and joie de vivre.
The down side, of course in all this is that you will now actually have to give her an orgasm. (Probably a radical departure from your usual debonair ‘wham-bam, thank you ma’am’ style) Sadly, however, close doesn’t count here and will not release all the necessary hormones and steroids. But the extra effort to bring her to orgasm might be well worth the prize as, once she sees the results, she may decide to incorporate daily (twice daily?) orgasms into her regular Woman Wellness Regimen. (With any luck, if you play your cards right, she’ll let you participate in that regimen, rather than relegating it to some cold, but reliable, battery powered device.)
If this extra effort is way too much for you, however, there is an alternative. Recent research in Pennsylvania has shown that giving blow jobs are very to beneficial to a headachy woman as well. But only if she swallows. Semen contains cortisol, which has been proven to increase affection; estrone and oxytocin which are both well known mood elevators; along with the powerful antidepressant serotonin, which relieves stress, anxiety and low self esteem and makes you happy.
Therefore blow jobs will make her happier than she is now and, counter-intuitively, give her the ability to perform much better on cognitive tests. (One of which might be “Do I really want to give this A-hole a blow job when I have a headache?” – so it could backfire.)
All in all, even though both courses of action are entirely altruistic on your part and intended only to relieve her pain, blow jobs are probably a harder sell to a woman with a blinding headache. In fact, no matter which ‘Sexual Healing” alternative you gently propose, she will likely tell you to ‘fuck off’. If so, keep bugging her about it in the hope that, at the very least, she keeps cursing you. After all, another clinical study shows that cursing, especially in women, is a very effective pain reliever in itself. So if you keep up the pressure, she may curse that headache away altogether.
Of course, before that actually happens she may kill or maim you. But that’s always the risk you take any time you try to be chivalrous and help a woman out. Innit?