Has anyone ever offered flowers to a man?
God is a woman. Common sense alone leads to that conclusion.
Just take the story of the Fall of Lucifer. You have to piece it together from snippets here and there in the Bible. It's a little like trying to ferret out exactly what's going on with that strange couple in the neighbourhood. You get a bit of gossip here and a bit there and finally have the full story.
So what's the heavenly buzz? We know Lucifer was the Son of the Morning. The most beautiful being ever created. He lived with God.
Then, at some point, him and God fought, (probably about that whole silly Adam and Eve and the apple thing, which, if truth be told, may have been an overreaction on God's part).
Anyway, the fight was so serious that Lucifer wound up moving out and living in a dingy place that apparently has no air conditioning. Now really, doesn't that sound a lot like that couple down the block – the Bickersons? Their bickering reaches the point where they separate and Mr. B. goes across town and lives in a crummy apartment. Mrs. B. stays in the house with the kids. Always.
So God and Lucifer have a fight and Lucifer has to go and live somewhere crummy. And God stays in the house. With the Cherubim. Come on. God is the woman in this scenario.
From then on, Lucifer is Evil. And you have to choose who you like, the good or the evil. Sound familiar?
The same thing happens if you are friends with the Bickersons. Mrs. B, still ensconced in the house, claims Mr. B is evil incarnate. The things she had to put up with. How she's suffered. He's the Devil.
So you have to choose whether to stay friends with the good Mrs. B. Or go to the dark side and stay buddies with evil Mr. B, in his crummy studio apartment, his only furniture a couch and a big screen TV.
And no air conditioning whatsoever. (It's hell). Where he'll tempt you to drink beer and watch sporting events and tell crude woman jokes.
And if you go there too often, or think those jokes are too funny, you will be sent to your own hell by your own Domestic Goddess.
From Creation on, all through the Bible, God behaves in womanly ways. She cooks up a set of commandments and gives them to Moses. The first, and presumably most important, is this: "I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no false Gods before me."
To understand how womanly this is, just tell your wife or girlfriend, in great detail, about some gorgeous new gal at work. Or better yet, show her a picture of an old flame and mention how hot she was.
Then wait. You will see the Wrath of God. Hell hath no fury like it. (In fact, the worst that happens in Hell is that you and Mr. B. run out of pork rinds or beer.)
Then there's the cliche about a woman changing her mind. Can you say Abraham and Isaac? Sacrifice him? No, wait a sec. Don't sacrifice him. Oh fine. Do what you like.
How about Noah and the Flood. What was that but frenzied spring cleaning? What man would bother trying to clean the whole world at once? And what woman wouldn't give it a shot, if she could?
The trials of Job? Doesn't it sound like every woman you've ever known asking "How much do you love me?"
Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire and Brimstone? Sound like dishes and glasses smashing for no apparent reason? And Lot's wife? Who but a woman would turn someone into a condiment? The written history of God is a history of every woman who ever lived.
We've known this subconsciously for centuries. Walk into any Christian church. What will you see on the altar? Flowers. Has anyone ever offered flowers to a man? Our only real hope of mercy is if God and Lucifer get back together again. Because pound for pound, there's really nothing more fierce than a single mom.
And amen to that.