WTF – do you probably say now. Do they say that I shouldnt defend myself when my wife is nagging at me?
It does seem rational and logical to defend yourself against the constant nagging coming from your wife. You forgot to pick up something, to fix the loose knob, to mount the shelf and approximately 42,568 other nonsenses she can come up with during the marriage.
When you were kid, it was the matter of honor and the way to rank in your group. Once fully grown up but still single, brute force or counter argument was again the way to “rank” or to “win.”
But then you met her.
And it starts the moment she realizes that you got hooked
They nag. Every wife is nagging. It’s who they are. There are things they simply can’t do on their own and it is one of the reasons why they decide to get married. They trust you’ll do anything for them (you did make that kind of promise, didn’t you?)
So one time, that first time when you fuck something up, she’ll start the blaming game; well known to all married people – every mans wife is nagging. It feels like she’s allocating the large part of her working memory just to pick up the ammo for future engagements.
But the trouble is: you’re doing that very same thing. You’ve learned something from that first encounter with the blaming game. Up until then, you were oblivious about it. That’s why she managed to caught you off the guard. It was like sneaky attack on completely unprepared enemy. But you’ve learned your lesson. One lost battle forced you to further enrich and improve your overall strategy.
From that moment on, you started collecting bits and pieces. Everything she did seemingly “wrong”, found its way to your working memory. Now you have the ammo for the effective counterattack.
So you wait.
In no time, she’s deploying new attack only this time against the well prepared enemy. This time, the bullets are flying in both directions. Ever heavier artillery is being brought to the field. You are doing nothing more than your primitive, survival instincts are telling you: fight back with every weapon you have because, after all, she’s the weaker party. If nothing else works, you’ll pull out the ultimate weapon – brute force. That will keep her mouth shut.
But, unfortunately for many fail marriages and shitty relationships, the reality of the things is not that man was being defensive and thus, forced to deploy counter blaming. The reality is: you wanted to win! You always want to win. No matter the game, winning is the imperative.
Because, for any kind of relationship to work, both parties must feel like winners. In reality, it’s a perfect balance. But in each of our brains, we must feel like we are the ones who got more honey from the barrel.
“Yeah, yeah, and what about that time when you were…”
This sentence marks the moment when you’re taking the defensive position. She delivered the first attack and now you’re pulling out the stuff from your working memory, deploying counter measures.
In war, the side that attacked first faces much higher odds of taking the victory.
In marriage, the side that attacked first is the winner! Your counterattack is futile no matter what you think about it. No matter what you do – you will look like a small blue smurf when you start to defend yourself. Its just not manly to go to that level.
At first she’ll be shocked with your counter blaming. After some time, she’ll become disappointed that you’re still using that shit in argument because she knows it’s the woman thing. After years of marriage, she’ll laugh inside because she’s now mature enough to see through you. You look funny and sad to her. It’s just not the behavior suitable for one man – for her man.
Remember: you have to look at this matter through her eyes and not yours!
You’re guided by your primitive instincts. You first response is brute force. It’s simply unbelievable that someone of that size would attack you. And here’s the problem: you know that you must suppress your primitive urge to use physical force. What to do, asks your brain? What is the optimal counter measure, because we must do something, brain is persistent.
We’ll use her weapon. It should be the balanced counter measure, you instruct your brain. So brain starts pulling out the arsenal, while you, in your arrogance, despair and oblivion, start firing back with, what can only be described as, rubber bullets. It will just recoil and piss her off even better.
At the end, there are no winners. Just two people in silence, full of anger and bitter disappointment. Nothing got solved.
What you should do is this:
Guilty or not, keep your mouth shut!
Remember: in marriage, the side that strikes first is the winner. Because, it’s not the war. It’s not the situation where you should allow your defense mechanism to take over your systems. In reality, there are no fight or flight options. There’s only accepting responsibility for what you’ve done.
For example, if she doesn’t appreciate you sweet-talking to other women, you don’t have to waste time explaining how that meant nothing. Nobody buys that shit because you’re forgetting that it was that same sweet-talk that got her hooked. She remembers. So keep your mouth shut and change behavior toward other women if you honestly care about your wife and relationship with her. And fix that goddamn knob already. It’s been 6 months man.