It was a sunny day. Was about to grab a new pack of cigarettes from the stand nearby when I felt something icky underneath my shoe. I stepped into a freakin’ dinosaur shit. I looked down to assess the situation and do the damage control by wiping my shoe of some old crow’s coat when all of the sudden it hit me!
Not the brilliant idea like you would think – fucking crow took a dump right on my head. Pretty funny for a couple of broads coming my way. One almost fell off her feet from laughing.
Can it get worse?
Yes, it can. Imagine what would happen if cows could fly?=#$%!
So I went home and decided that I had enough of this shit (get the irony?). Something has to change very soon or that annoying Cocker Spaniel across the hall from my apartment will skydive. Without a parachute and along with that old witch who’s been feeding the damn beast. I just had to unfuck my life ASAP.
3 months later I was walking the same street, wearing my brand new 5 grand Armani, thinking about a killer deal I just pulled off, when suddenly the same shit happened again. Only this time to some poor schmuck walking the opposite side of the street from me.
It was funny from this perspective. I looked up and there were like gazillion crows sitting on the branches of that big ass maple tree.
Fortunately, that decision can be the right one every time if you get your shit together by following these 6 steps in a presented sequence and unfuck your life once and for all:
Unfucking your life in 3, 2, 1
Grab that fucking Cocker Spaniel and beat the shit out of it. If that old crow gets out and starts raging, kick her ass too.
No…wait…that’s what you’d love to do. Ain’t gonna fly sport. Next time you go out buy some dog-candy and feed that Spaniel. He’ll start loving you that moment.
Funny thing about Cocker Spaniels: they can smell a shitbag from a mile away and act aggressively. Same, they are capable of detecting positive energy and become devoted friends on account of simple scratch on a belly.
The same thing is with that old witch across the hallway. Sure you can knock out a couple of her artificial teeth and kick the hell outta her. But that would result in you spending some time in a county jail, probably being inseminated by a big ass black dude on regular basis.
Shit attracts shit. If you take a dump, it smells like shit, not like a spring flower in a Japanese garden.
It’s called Law of attraction, backed by the Law of intention. And that means that the world revolves around two basic principles of physics: ACTION – REACTION.
Add the Universe and its constant desire to give you exactly what you wish for and you have, what is known as, the life. Be negative – you will get it; no worries. Help the old lady into an elevator and down the stairs, chances are that someone will help you when you’re least expecting it.
So you made sure you get only the good stuff from the Universe.
Did you really?
Let’s think about that while you’re walking to the pub to get some cold Bud and feel that ass.
Whoops! What’s that?
Aaaah, it’s that little prick who thinks he owns the fucking street just because he’s loaded with money. There he is again driving his black BMW, having two hot chicks with him. A brunette and that blond one from yesterday. To make sure all bases are covered when he feels like having some.
Now stop and bang your stupid head against that “STOP” sign. I mean it. Do it now!
That pathetic way of perceiving and reasoning the things plus pure envy is the reason why you are walking alone to have a beer and probably a slap in your face after you spank that beautiful ass of your favorite waitress. That’s the closest you’ll ever get to that ass if you don’t pull your shit together and change the way you think of the others and money in particular!
Now apologize to that poor sign. It did no wrong to you. It’s just standing there, serving its purpose, not complaining about anything. Not even when a prick like you hit it for no obvious reason.
Turn 180° and find a gym.
Good time to be a picky bastard. Search for the one full of hot, wet, astonishingly-firm bodies.
Why that kind of a gym? Why the fuck not! You must and you will grow every aspect of your physical and spiritual life. Well, not quite every. Tough luck perhaps with certain things, but you will soon compensate with your bank account.
You think those two coeds in a BMW give a shit about the size of the dude’s dick? They only care how tall he is when he stands on his wallet. Nothing can turn the woman on like money.
Pump your biceps until it hurts and pay close attention to that ass you picked – soon it will be yours to spank.
All pumped with the chin up and pecks 5 inches in front of you, the world suddenly seems like a good place. Maybe like a hunting ground full of game whenever you look. You are about to become a shark-in-charge in the sea full of great meals.
Speaking of meals, NO, you will not grab that burrito. You are hungry as a wolf but those pecks won’t last long on burritos. On your way home stop at your favorite store and buy:
- 2 pounds of chicken breasts
- 100 grams of rice
- 1 big ass head of fresh lettuce and
- a beer.
Go home, cook or grill the chicken with all of your preferred seasonings and spices, cook rice on a bit of a butter, add parsley leaves, make a refreshing salad and knock yourself the fuck out.
Get that beer and watch the football game like a real man. Watching good sports will do miracles for you for a simple reason: you are watching champions.
Each and every one of them gave 130% to play that game. Expose yourself to those images and that energy. You are looking at the prime specimens of our species. Overwhelm your senses with that revelation.
From now on, each time you watch the game, don’t trash the guy who missed it. Because he made sure to be in the opportunity to miss.
And he did that by looking up to successful people, not by envying them.
He did that by forcing himself out of his comfort zone every freakin’ day of his life.
He did that by constantly improving himself and working on his mind and body.
He did that because he, unlike you, gets up in the morning and does 10 push-ups immediately after rolling out of bed. He knows and understands how important it is for his body to be in a proper shape to keep up with him.
He also did that by feeding his engine with the proper food and not with shit you eat and then complain about stomach pain.
He does all of that just because he can. Something he realized a long time ago.
He does all of that because he asks “Why the hell not!“, unlike most who just ask “Why?”
He does that because he’s a freakin’ Superman, just like you can be.
So now you know the big secret. Now you know why you eat shit while others eat candies. You know now what you have to do to unfuck your overly fucked up life.
What happens next? What do you do? Are you’re gonna continue with the blaming game or make The Move?
On the other hand, if you are one fucking lazy ass that wouldn’t bust his balls in a gym even if Kim freakin’ Kardashian promised to blow your brains out (in a good way) if you spend 3 days a week pumping glutes, then go in politics, like I did.
By the way, next time you see me with two coeds, stop to say ‘Hi’; don’t be rude. After all, I am your local congressman. Peace!