This is the common question every man will have to answer after the word spreads out.
The common answer(s)?
“She cheated on me. That’s why.”
“I don’t know.”
Adultery is not the reason nor the cause
Adultery is the consequence. There was something else that pushed/pulled her on that path where she allowed some stranger to get inside her head. What was it?
In majority of the cases (almost 100%), nobody wants to go into much of details after this shit goes public. It’s taken for granted that the fact that she was cheating on him is the underlying cause and the reason for the divorce.
It works both ways, of course, depending on who cheated on who.
But the reality of the things is somewhat different.
It’s just the Pareto principle, all over again, where only 20% of all people are willing to invest efforts and push further or dig deeper, while only 2% of those 20% will ultimately break the limits and deal with the mess, ultimately solving the entire problem by understanding the core reasons.
The rest, or the 80%, will take anything you give them and won’t spend any more energy on the subject.
That’s why we are witnessing the steady increase of divorces that cannot be rationalized with the increase in population. Ratios do not follow the same trends.
This is how it goes. This is what ultimately leads to adultery or the divorce for the “reason unknown”
Life gets in a way. Everyday obligations create the entirely new dynamics after that initial passion. Pretty soon, kids start playing around. With every passing month, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep up with the obligations. And yes, we are talking about financial obligations and life in cities (even towns).
As you’ve noticed, people residing on a countryside, working in the fields and producing the food, hardly ever divorce or end up in hospital for that matter.
But folks in cities, depend solely on their monthly incomes. The quality of life is in direct proportion to the buying power. It’s a predominant success factor in the first years of every marriage.
But then, out of nowhere, the Cause #1 kicks in
A dreadful ROUTINE.
No matter how dynamical it seems, we get used to it. It becomes a routine or something we do on autopilot because nobody has reached the limits. We still don’t know what are we capable of achieving because even the most complex dynamics, that may appear as mission impossible for the outside world, becomes the everyday routine we are executing with ease in one hand and coffee in the other.
Thus, the Number One Cause of divorce in urban areas at least, is ROUTINE or lack and total absence of any new dynamics!
Experienced couples, who went through something we’ll explain later, have developed and autonomous system that recognizes the routine and automatically searches for the new dynamics. In a short period of time, something “comes up, out of the clear blue sky” that rocks the foundations and force both the man and the woman to join forces and deal with it.
It can be some kind of business endeavor, change of residence, health issues, or anything else. In reality, it didn’t happen out of nothing. Both minds influenced the course of events that have led to that particular new dynamic, that subsequently save the marriage.
Those less experienced hit the wall!
And there’s this Cause #2, so frequent in our contemporary society and modern dynamics of life
Professional occupation, which we deliberately chose (nobody was forcing us to leave the countryside where we had peace and liberty to organize our own time, the way it suits us best), consumes ever more energy and time due to the increase of the average expenses.
These expenses exponentially increase with the arrival of a newborn child.
Maybe not in that moment, but mindsets switch, changing priorities.
In most of the cases, it’s the husband’s obligation to provide for all connected needs and possibly more. In order to fulfil that request, man is often forced to work long hours or spend much of the week away (professional drivers, sales representatives, public speakers and similar careers).
The end result of this new and exciting dynamic (at first) is the unhappy wife, that not only falls into a routine, but lacks adequate physical contact with her spouse.
No contact means less oxytocin exchange. Oxytocin, as you may or may not know, is the neurotransmitter responsible for the existence of a relationship of any kind. Every time you touch your wife (in positive circumstances), your brains activate the firing of this particular hormone. As the consequence of this “exchange,” you two are “refreshing” your relationship.
You can now clearly imagine why we tend to say, “Out of sight – out of mind.”
It has its biochemical reason and that reason hides in our soul nature – our innate aspiration to connect with another human being. With mother-child relationship/connection being the deepest, husband-wife one takes the second place.
You see, your marriage can survive any extended period of separation just because you two had exchanged extremely high levels of oxytocin in those first few months of a relationship, while you were slowly “falling in love.” It made a deep impact and created profound memory blocks, enabling two of you to “miss” each other when apart!
But it has its limits.
Unlike the moment of ultimate oxytocin release, happening in the moment when mother takes her newborn in her arms for the very first time, in case of the husband-wife connection, this occurs on a much smaller scale. Big nevertheless, but just not big enough.
Give it some time and the effect will fade away. It’s happening all over the place, to many couples, simply because the husband is more or less forced to spend much of the time away.
When combined, these two causes inevitably lead to break up, if not solved in time
After a while, two of you “get used” to the situation. Your wife is taking care of the children, household and career, while you’re taking care of the career and working your ass off to increase the balance on your bank accounts.
When you come home, after being away for just a week, but also, after years of that same practice, you’re in fact “in her way.” She is forced to put up with you. You’re disturbing her routine, triggering negative reaction.
This occurs if you have that nasty habit to come home, spank that ass, hug a child, kick back in your chair, and open a bottle of cold beer to watch some football.
One day, you’ll come home, just to find out that your dear wife rather spends the time on Facebook Messenger than talking with you, even though you haven’t seen her for a week or so. And there will be no game on TV to compensate.
THIS IS THE CRITICAL MOMENT MEN FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE!!
We see it. We recognize the sudden change. Only we deliberately choose to live in denial.
“It’s just a phase,” will be the most common conclusion.
It’s not the phase. It’s the direct consequence of distance and routine. You make her sick when trying to get some. She’s not in the mood – ever again.
What happened is that you failed to react in time. Both of you!
There are two people that caused the divorce by ignoring the obvious problem.
You both felt that routine. You, yourself, felt that first “cold reaction” on your kiss, touch and/or message. It’s already too late at that moment. The situation should have been dealt much, much sooner.
But, there’s that Pareto principle we can’t avoid. 80% of people will rather choose to ignore the problem than to tackle it in order to solve it.
Common sense was telling you that it’s not the optimal way. You shouldn’t have left.
She knew better also. But pressured with the financial uncertainty, she had no choice but to push you in that direction; if no other option existed.
Consequently, she was left alone. And no woman likes to be alone.
Now comes the basic difference between men and women and how they perceive relationship
Women think about why they love. Men just love. That’s the primary difference in a way we experience loving relationship.
Furthermore, woman’s sexual drive fades away, transforming the one who used to be an uncontrolled sexual beast into a cold-blooded bitch.
Man’s sex drive, however, remains.
While it may seem like something “normal” and “global,” it represents the ultimate conflict of interests because sex is one of our 5 essentials.
You come home and you want some. She feels sick. Make the mistake and have a forced sex, and you’re digging yourself a grave. It’s those situations when she says, “OK, if you want it so bed, here, have fun,” and then turns on her side or just lies down, spreading her legs.
Normal reaction would be an instant turn off and rampage.
Do that, and you’ve successfully disturbed the calmness (routine), slowing down the process of permanent separation. Have sex and you’re speeding up the process. It just proves her thesis that you don’t care about anything else but pure satisfaction of your animal needs. You want slave or a new mother and not a loving wife.
And now you have a perfect recipe for disaster
- Conflict of interest
- Difference in reasoning
- Late reaction
Life causes the routine -> Modern urban lifestyle causes the distance -> You get hornier by day while she gets colder and less interest -> You love, not thinking why, while she loves by constantly analyzing, and cross-checking the 5-7 key factors she finds important -> You think you’re doing everything humanly possible, while she thinks that you’re neglecting her -> Both of you fail to react on time!
The cumulative of this chain of events leads to divorce. Again, adultery or divorce on account the “reason unknown” is just the consequence. It’s the reaction and attempt to install the new dynamics.
We are advanced beings with complex thinking process. From the day we are born, we are stimulating our brain, learning everything we need to survive. In the process, we make a habit – brain expects to be stimulated.
Give it some time and your brain will force you to change the dynamics and expose your neuronal network to some new stimuli!
After all, there’s nothing spiritual in the entire thing known as the human being. We are just another, complex moving chemical compound with the extremely developed neural network.
So, when is the optimal time to react?
If you would like to know how to save the marriage that looks like a lost case, there’s an effective protocol you need to follow. It’s a result of extensive research and analyses, using advanced neuroscience and human behavioral science.
But if that is not the case, and you are sensing some changes in communication and the way she experiences your physical contact, the following is the only viable option.
First of all, we men are perfectly capable of detecting that change. We experience it through sex. As long as we can feel the passion, everything is fine. When passion voids and you can clearly see that she’s faking it, the time has come to wreak havoc – a serious one!
If you failed to deal with it that first time in a proper way, you’re now expected to do even more.
That more is nothing but the new dynamics!
But that new dynamics is not the matter of consensus you two reached after exhausting negotiations. IT MUST BE A SHOCK, caused by you. You have to pull something that will cause wrinkles in her entire neuronal network.
For instance, you quit your job and start working from home! The first few months will most likely be a dreadful experience because you messed up the routine and changed the habits. But, in the same time, it’s the single most efficient move you can make.
Or, sell everything and change your residence! She’ll have no other option than to follow you because you didn’t give her any time to think about the entire change. IT’S ABOUT SHOCKING HER ENTIRE SYSTEM FROM THE GROUND UP!
IT’S ABOUT NEW DYNAMICS!
The best thing is: after a while, these sudden changes in dynamics will occur completely autonomously, without your direct influence. She’ll stumble upon some neat business opportunity and present it to you. You’ll bite like a dog and make it happen.
It becomes the new habit – the habit of changing the dynamics as the only true survival method you have at your disposal!
That’s how you do it. That’s the secret of long-lasting marriages in Generation X. We disturb the routine every once in a while and install new dynamics that requires all hands on deck!
Do that, and you’ll truly live happily ever after.
Of course, even the sex will become more frequent and passionate again. She’ll be able to reach the orgasm with ease, all excited after stumbling upon something new. It’s about constant stimulation of our brains, something we learned a long time ago!
Good luck and all the best to you from the Ballz Magazine Motley Crew!